Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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