there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's just like the Real World with babies
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize