Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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