Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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