i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
