No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
