I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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