dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I stole a fireplace last night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
