I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm at about main and main street
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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