Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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