The maid of honor just puked.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
