What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
