i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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