I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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