Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
a search helicopter?!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
