hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize