I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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