Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
