just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
