sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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