Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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