In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
