haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
