apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
