You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
