Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my phone needs a breathalizer
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
do herpes really smell.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
