Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
