The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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