The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
