I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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