his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
