I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
