Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
