Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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