and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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