it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
