And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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