I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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