Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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