see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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