He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
