Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize