R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
