Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
