He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
