i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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