So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
