i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
