haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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