I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
