Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
