Please, let me fuck your mom
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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