if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize